The phone rings. I answer the call. A father pours out his heart. The mother of his children has turned his children against him. He is desperate and devastated. He wants to be part of his children’s lives, but she is making it impossible. He is crying out for help. It is heart-wrenching.
Sometimes, the children’s grandmother calls because her son is too broken to discuss it. Some call this parental alienation. It happens to mothers, too—not as frequently, but just as hurtfully, and it is not only the parent who suffers.
Parental alienation can have devastating effects on children, causing emotional distress, anxiety, and even long-term psychological damage. It can also disrupt the child’s relationship with the alienated parent, leading to feelings of guilt, confusion, and resentment. It ought to be a crime, in my humble opinion.
What is Parental Alienation?
Parental alienation is a complex psychological process where one parent manipulates a child into rejecting or resenting the other parent. This manipulation can take many forms, including:
Badmouthing the other parent: This can involve spreading lies, exaggerating flaws, or making false accusations.
Restricting contact: The alienating parent may limit or prevent the child from spending time with the other parent.
Indoctrinating the child: This may involve teaching the child to distrust or fear the other parent.
Creating a false narrative: The alienating parent may create a distorted version of events to make the other parent seem unfit or abusive.
If you suspect that your child is being alienated, it is important to seek professional help. A therapist can help you understand the situation and develop strategies for coping with the emotional challenges. In some cases, legal action may be necessary to protect your relationship with your child.
How Much Does This Happen?
Pinpointing an exact prevalence rate for parental alienation in the US is challenging due to several factors:
- Underreporting: Many cases of parental alienation go unreported or unrecognized.
- Lack of standardized definition: No universally accepted definition makes consistent diagnosis difficult.
- Varying levels of severity: Alienation can range from subtle manipulation to severe indoctrination.
However, research suggests that parental alienation is a significant problem:
- Estimates range: Studies estimate that between 10% and 25% of high-conflict custody cases involve parental alienation.
- Impact on millions: Based on these estimates, it’s likely that millions of children and adults in the US have been affected by parental alienation.
It’s important to remember that these are rough estimates, and the actual prevalence may be even higher.
Searching for more information on this syndrome, I found the article “What Is the Incidence and Prevalence of Parental Alienation?” on the joshiattorney.com website. It states, in part:
One of the largest studies into the incidence and prevalence of parental alienation was conducted by Clawar and Rivlin (1991) over a 12 year period. They found out that in 86% of the 1000 cases they studied there was some element of parental programming and brainwashing in an effort to implant false and negative ideas about the other parent, with the intention of turning the child against that other parent. Their published findings break down as follows:
Percentage of Parents Who Program/Brainwash
- 23% more than once a day
- 22% about once per day
- 12 % more than once per week
- 8% once per week
- 21% occasionally
- 14% no detection of programming-and-brainwashing
The Symptoms of Parental Alienation
Are you concerned alienation may be happening to your child or another youngster? Know what to look for. The signs of parental alienation can manifest in a child’s behavior and attitudes. Here are some common symptoms:
Changes in behavior towards the targeted parent:
- Hostility and rejection: The child may become hostile, dismissive, or even verbally abusive towards the targeted parent.
- Lack of ambivalence: The child may only express negative feelings towards the targeted parent, lacking any positive or neutral emotions.
- Weak, frivolous, and absurd rationalizations: The child may provide irrational or illogical reasons for their negative feelings towards the targeted parent.
- Lack of guilt or remorse: The child may show no remorse or guilt for their hurtful behavior towards the targeted parent.
- Ideation: The child may express extremely negative thoughts or beliefs about the targeted parent, often mirroring the alienating parent’s views.
Changes in the child’s overall behavior:
- Anxiety and depression: The child may experience increased anxiety, depression, or other emotional difficulties.
- Difficulty trusting others: The child may have trouble forming healthy relationships and trusting others.
- Academic difficulties: The child’s academic performance may decline due to emotional distress.
- Behavioral problems: The child may exhibit behavioral problems such as aggression, defiance, or withdrawal.
Changes in the relationship between the child and the alienating parent:
- Co-dependency: The child may become overly dependent on the alienating parent.
- Lack of boundaries: The child may have difficulty setting boundaries with the alienating parent.
- Shared hostility: The child may join the alienating parent in their negative campaign against the targeted parent.
It’s important to note that not all of these symptoms may be present in every case of parental alienation. The severity and specific manifestations can vary depending on the individual circumstances.
If you suspect that your child is being alienated, it’s crucial to seek professional help from a therapist or counselor who specializes in family dynamics and parental alienation.
Six Steps You Can Take
If you suspect your child is being alienated from you, here are some things you can do:
1. Document everything:
- Keep a detailed record of all interactions with your child and the alienating parent, including emails, texts, voicemails, and any incidents of alienation.
- Document any instances where the alienating parent has interfered with your parenting time or made negative comments about you to your child.
2. Seek professional help:
- Consult with a therapist who specializes in family dynamics and parental alienation. They can provide guidance and support, as well as help you develop strategies to rebuild your relationship with your child.
- Consider seeking legal advice from a family law attorney who is experienced in dealing with parental alienation cases.
3. Maintain open communication with your child:
- Focus on positive interactions with your child during your time together.
- Avoid criticizing or blaming the alienating parent in front of your child.
- Reassure your child of your love and support, regardless of their feelings towards you at the moment.
4. Limit conflict with the alienating parent:
- Try to keep communication with the alienating parent to a minimum, and focus on discussing matters related to your child’s well-being.
- Avoid engaging in arguments or heated discussions, as this can escalate the situation and harm your child’s emotional well-being.
5. Be patient and persistent:
- Rebuilding a relationship with a child who has been alienated can take time and effort.
- Continue to prioritize your child’s well-being and focus on creating positive experiences together.
Remember, it’s important to be patient and understanding with your child. The effects of parental alienation can be long-lasting, and it may take time for your child to overcome the negative influences they have been exposed to.
6. Last, but certainly for the Christ-Follower, this should be first. Pray:
- Constantly praying for your child’s spiritual defense is the way to protect them from the lies that can poison their minds and permanently damage your relationship with them.
Instruction from the Holy Scriptures
3 We are human, but we don’t wage war as humans do. 4 We use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments. – 2 Corinthians 10:3-4
Battling parental alienation requires spiritual warfare for your child. It begins with prayer for God’s supernatural help. Intercede for them and pray for the perpetrating parent.
We will have much more on spiritual warfare for your child next week.
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About the Author
Eli Williams is a father, grandfather, and mentor to several men. He and his wife Judy have served in community outreach ministry since the late 1980s and founded Urban Light Ministries in 1995. Eli has been a professional fatherhood practitioner since 2008 and is an ordained Christian minister helping to pastor New Hope Church in Springfield, Ohio. Reverend Williams authored Father Love—The Powerful Resource Every Child Needs in 2016 and led ULM in the creation of Fathering Strong.
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