October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. It is held every October to raise awareness about the issue of domestic violence. As we often say, as men and fathers, we are responsible as leaders in our homes and neighborhoods to be protectors. What, then, is our role in preventing domestic violence?
Defining Domestic Violence
To get a broad understanding of domestic violence, I consulted the United Nations website (https://www.un.org/en/coronavirus/what-is-domestic-abuse). Here is what it says:
Domestic abuse, also called “domestic violence” or “intimate partner violence”, can be defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner. Abuse is physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure, or wound someone. Domestic abuse can happen to anyone of any race, age, sexual orientation, religion, or gender. It can occur within a range of relationships, including couples who are married, living together, or dating. Domestic violence affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels.
Anyone can be a victim of domestic violence, regardless of age, race, gender, sexual orientation, faith or class.
Victims of domestic abuse may also include a child or other relative, or any other household member.
Domestic abuse is typically manifested as a pattern of abusive behavior toward an intimate partner in a dating or family relationship, where the abuser exerts power and control over the victim.
Domestic abuse can be mental, physical, economic or sexual in nature. Incidents are rarely isolated, and usually escalate in frequency and severity. Domestic abuse may culminate in serious physical injury or death.
Domestic Violence is a massive problem. It impacts nearly 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men across the United States (thehotline.org).
What Men and Fathers Can Do to Prevent It
Men and fathers play a crucial role in preventing domestic violence. Here are some steps we can take:
1. Model Healthy Relationships:
- Respectful behavior: Treat partners and family members with kindness and empathy.
- Conflict resolution: Learn and practice healthy conflict resolution skills, avoiding physical or verbal abuse.
- Emotional expression: Express emotions in a constructive and non-violent way.
2. Promote Equality:
- Gender equality: Challenge harmful gender stereotypes and promote equality between men and women.
- Power dynamics: Recognize and address power imbalances in relationships.
3. Seek Help and Support:
- Personal counseling: If struggling with anger, jealousy, or other issues, seek professional help.
- Support groups: Join support groups for men who want to prevent domestic violence.
4. Educate Ourselves and Others:
- Learn about domestic violence: Understand the signs, causes, and consequences of domestic violence.
- Educate others: Share knowledge about healthy relationships and domestic violence prevention with friends, family, and community members.
5. Intervene Safely:
- If you witness domestic violence: Encourage the victim to seek help and offer support.
- If you suspect abuse: Report it to authorities or a domestic violence hotline.
Going Upstream
“Going upstream” in the context of domestic violence prevention means addressing the root causes of the issue rather than simply dealing with its consequences. Here’s how men can contribute:
1. Challenge Harmful Norms and Stereotypes:
- Gender roles: Actively challenge traditional gender roles that perpetuate harmful stereotypes about masculinity and femininity.
- Toxic masculinity: Reject the idea that men must be aggressive, dominant, or emotionally distant.
- Consent culture: Promote a culture of consent and respect in all relationships.
2. Promote Healthy Masculinity:
- Emotional intelligence: Develop emotional intelligence to understand and manage emotions effectively.
- Healthy relationships: Model and promote healthy, respectful relationships.
- Conflict resolution: Learn and practice non-violent conflict resolution skills.
3. Support Survivors and Advocate for Change:
- Believe survivors: Believe survivors of domestic violence and offer support without judgment.
- Advocate for change: Support policies and initiatives that address domestic violence prevention and support for survivors.
- Community involvement: Get involved in community organizations working to prevent domestic violence.
4. Address Underlying Issues:
- Substance abuse: Support programs that address substance abuse, as it can contribute to domestic violence.
- Mental health: Encourage men to seek help for mental health issues, as they can be a factor in abusive behavior.
- Economic inequality: Advocate for policies that address economic inequality, as it can contribute to stress and tension in relationships.
5. Educate and Mentor:
- Educate younger generations: Teach boys and young men about healthy relationships, consent, and respect.
- Mentorship: Mentor younger men and offer guidance on healthy masculinity and relationships.
By addressing these upstream factors, men can contribute to a broader cultural shift towards preventing domestic violence and promoting healthy relationships.
Here are Some Signs Someone You Know is Being Abused
Keep an eye out for things like:
- Excuses for injuries
- Personality changes, like low self-esteem in someone who was always confident
- Constantly checking in with their partner
- Never having money on hand
- Overly worried about pleasing their partner
- Skipping out on work, school, or social outings for no apparent reason
- Wearing clothes that don’t fit the season, like long sleeves in summer to cover bruises
Are the Signs of Abuse Different for Men?
They’re often the same. And that’s true whether the abusive partner is a woman or another man. It may be emotional or verbal, like taking away keys, medicines, or other essentials. Or things like constantly putting you down in public or on social media.
And, it can be physical. To make up for differences in strength, abusive partners may try to attack you in your sleep, by surprise, or with weapons and other objects. They may also abuse your children or pets.
What to Do if You Think Someone Is Being Abused
Say something. You might have your doubts. But if you’re thinking about it, there’s usually a reason. Someone’s life could be in danger.
When you talk to the person, you can:
- Ask if anything is wrong
- Talk specifically about what concerns you
- Listen carefully
- Let the person know you’re always there to talk and that your conversations are always private
- Offer to help
- Support the person’s choices
(https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/mental-domestic-abuse-signs#1-2)
Remember: Domestic violence is never acceptable. If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, please reach out for help.
Here are some resources:
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
- The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence: https://www.thehotline.org/about/
Instruction from the Holy Scriptures
Paul’s exhortation to the Philippians reminds us that our gentleness should be evident in our relationships and interactions with everyone. This rules out abuse of all kinds.
5 Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand. – Philippians 4:5 NKJV
His Spirit within the child of God produces fruit that includes peace, goodness, kindness, and gentleness. (Gal. 5:22-23)
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About the Author
Eli Williams is a father, grandfather, and mentor to several men. He and his wife Judy have served in community outreach ministry since the late 1980s and founded Urban Light Ministries in 1995. Eli has been a professional fatherhood practitioner since 2008 and is an ordained Christian minister helping to pastor New Hope Church in Springfield, Ohio. Reverend Williams authored Father Love—The Powerful Resource Every Child Needs in 2016 and led ULM in the creation of Fathering Strong.
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