In a perfect world, every child is born into a home surrounded by the loving care of the married, biological mother and father. To state the painfully obvious, we’re not in a perfect world—far from it. According to the CDC, roughly 1.4 million live births to unmarried women occur annually in the US.[1] That is approximately 39.8% of all live births (as of 2022).[2]
So, every year, nearly four out of ten babies, almost one and a half million, come into a world where most will have disadvantages, especially if the father is not in the child’s life. There are many reasons a father may be absent. Unfortunately, some people lump all of them into a single category and label them deadbeat.
Challenging the Stereotypes
A “deadbeat dad” is a disapproving term for a father who neglects his parental responsibilities. The term an be broken down three ways:
- Focuses on financial neglect:
- It typically refers to a father who doesn’t provide financial support for his children, especially when there’s a court order for child support.
- Can be broader:
- In some cases, it can encompass dads who are generally uninvolved in their children’s lives, even beyond finances.
- Carries judgment:
- It’s an emotionally charged term that implies the father is irresponsible and uncaring.
There’s a more neutral term, absentee father, which refers to a dad who isn’t living with his children. I prefer the term live-away or nonresidential father. Better still, it is best to try to understand a father’s circumstances before forming any judgment about him.
Minority and Urban Fathers
In the book “Doing the Best I Can: Fatherhood in the Inner City”, authors Kathryn Edin and Timothy J. Nelson explore fatherhood experiences in low-income urban communities.
The book challenges stereotypes of “deadbeat dads” and examines the complex realities these fathers face. Through interviews with over 100 fathers, the authors show how economic hardship and social factors shape their involvement in their children’s lives.
The book illuminates the hopes and challenges these fathers experience, from initially unplanned pregnancies to the struggles of raising children in poverty. It complicates the understanding of fatherhood in this demographic and offers a new perspective on family dynamics.
The Heartache of Many Fathers
One particularly poignant story tells of a young man who got a woman pregnant on a one-night, intoxicated affair. They didn’t know each other and were having a good time after meeting in a nightclub. He became excited after finding out from a third party that she was pregnant. Having been raised with no father, he saw this as an opportunity to be the dad he wished he had. Having a criminal record, no job, no automobile, and a drug addiction, he realized that a lot needed to change if he was going to be the dad he wanted to be.
He tracked down the soon-to-be mother and told her he wanted to be there for her and the baby. After the child’s birth, he did what he could with his limited resources to support the mother and his baby boy as a co-parent. Before long, however, she made it clear that she was not interested in him being in her or the baby’s life. There was never a romantic relationship between them, just a one-night sexual encounter. She now had a boyfriend who had a job and a nice car, and she had chosen him to be the father of her child.
He was stunned, heartbroken, devastated. Now, while in the fight to be in his child’s life, he is searching for a good job, working on recovery, and trying to provide for his own basic needs while also paying child support.
Is he a deadbeat dad? You decide. He is not neglecting his child, financially or otherwise. He is not irresponsible or uncaring. He loves his baby boy and wants to do right by him. However, he is suffering from substance addiction that has robbed him of his health and well-being and cost him employment opportunities. He made a big mistake in treating sex outside of marriage as entertainment, as so many do. Now, he is in misery and is filled with regret. He hates himself because he has become like the father he despises. He promises himself that he will get on his feet and try again to be the kind of dad he wishes he had when he was growing up. He yearns to be a good father.
Beaten Down by Life
He is not a deadbeat. He has been beaten down by his life circumstances, his bad choices, an uncaring co-parent, and an unforgiving child support collection system. He has suffered from a lack of family support, access to social services that could potentially help him, legal assistance, and a mentor. Exhausted and feeling defeated, he is beaten down. What he needs is compassionate assistance.
Yes, some men fit the description of a deadbeat dad. However, in my experience as a fatherhood practitioner and the leader of a fatherhood program, I encountered very few of them. Most fathers I have enrolled in fatherhood classes have been eager to develop new parenting techniques, become better co-parents, and learn healthy relationship skills. Some have significant barriers to gaining access to time with their children due to mistakes they have made, bridges they have burned, incarceration, a history of addiction, and other things in their past or present.
Never Give Up on a Man
Further, some of the best fathers I know did not have present, mature, responsible, or nurturing fathers. They decided to do better for their children. To be the opposite of what they saw growing up. To give their kids what they wish they had as a dad. My own father made that decision and raised 13 children together with my mother despite both of them coming from families that their fathers abandoned. This and other reasons are why I never give up on a man.
Rather than calling them ugly names, it is better to pray for struggling fathers and seek ways to help them become the fathers God put them on earth to be.
What Can Be Done to Help Struggling Fathers
Emotional and Practical Support:
Support Groups: Finding online or in-person communities specifically for fathers can provide a space to share experiences, get advice, and feel less alone.
- Urban Light Ministries (ULM), my nonprofit, has created a new online community called Fathering Strong (www.fatheringstrong.com). It is accessible through a free mobile app and was designed as a private space for establishing groups for dads. The goal is to connect, engage, and empower fathers.
- Fathers seeking support can find it as a member of the Fathering Strong Community.
- Fathers may establish Fathering Strong groups to address particular needs.
Mentorship Programs: Connecting with experienced fathers who can offer guidance and support can be invaluable.
- An experienced father who is a Fathering Strong member and is seeking a father to mentor can let other Fathering Strong members know.
Mental Health Resources: Struggling fathers may benefit from therapy or counseling to address stress, anxiety, or depression.
Spiritual Support
Men’s Groups: Your church may have a men’s group for fellowship and spiritual support.
If not, speak to your pastor about starting one.
- You could also search for a community men’s group that may fit your needs.
Strengthening Father-Child Bonds:
Shared Activities and Playtime: Fathers can create strong connections with their children through shared activities and playtime.
Parenting Classes: Learning practical parenting skills can boost confidence and make fatherhood more manageable.
- ULM offers periodic in-person fatherhood courses and Dad’s Discussion Groups in the Dayton/Springfield, Ohio area. (www.urbanlight.org).
- Search the OPNFF website for other courses in Ohio (https://opnff.net/programs_for_fathers.asp).
- ULM also provides the POPS 101 online course in English and Spanish. It is a free basic introduction to healthy fathering principles.
Communication with Co-parents: Fathers who aren’t living with their children can benefit from clear communication and cooperation with the other parent. Seek a co-parenting class in your community.
Addressing Underlying Issues:
Financial Assistance: Programs that help with child support, job training, or debt management can ease financial burdens.
Legal Aid: Fathers facing legal issues related to child custody or visitation can benefit from legal aid.
Substance Abuse Treatment: If substance abuse is a problem, there are resources available in your community for treatment and recovery.
Remember: Every situation is unique. The best way to help a struggling father is to understand his challenges and offer support that addresses those specific needs.
Going Upstream to Prevent Deadbeatism
Yes, I just coined a new word! LOL. The idea is that the best way to reduce the number of true deadbeat dads is to prevent them. Boys and male teens should be taught what it is to be responsible, nurturing adult males and fathers. Their fathers best teach this through modeling it. However, if they do not have a father or father figure who can show them through their own lives, Mentors in the community and courses primarily written for this purpose are good options.
Doing this also reduces the number of young men who struggle with premature fatherhood by teaching them why it is best to abstain from sexual activity before they are ready to be fathers. This can also help them to understand the sacrifices required to be a responsible father.
Inspiration from the Holy Scriptures
Fatherhood is the most important role a man has. Immediately after creating Adam and Eve, God commanded them to “be fruitful and multiply.” (Genesis 1:28) One of His primary purposes for marriage was offspring who would fill the earth with God’s praise and glory. However, providing sperm for conception is merely the beginning of God’s expectations for fathers. He is responsible for faithfully raising his children to be good members of society as he sets an example by how he lives his life.
The righteous man walks in his integrity;
His children are blessed after him. – Proverbs 20:7
About the Author
Eli Williams is a father, grandfather, and father figure to many. He and his wife Judy have served in community outreach ministry since the late 1980s and founded Urban Light Ministries in 1995. Eli has been a professional fatherhood practitioner since 2008 and is an ordained Christian minister helping to pastor New Hope Church in Springfield, Ohio. Reverend Williams authored Father Love—The Powerful Resource Every Child Needs in 2018.
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[1] Based on data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. The most recent data available (as of July 2024)
[2] [Statitsa Births to unmarried women U.S. percentage] This data is based on information from the CDC and other sources.